


Because

by drunkbert



Series: The dark season of life [5]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Adam Lambert - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Saulbert - Freeform, hopeful, romantic, sauli koskinen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-05 09:27:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13384932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: "Adam...""Mm?""Why did you save the clock? The one in your bedroom."





	Because

**Author's Note:**

> Let's throw something like hope in the mix.

Beautiful

  
Stunning

  
Fabulous

  
Dashing

  
Good looking

  
Handsome

  
Pretty

  
Perfect - especially the word perfect.

  
The more compliments I heard the worse I felt. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? I smiled and said 'kiitos' - well, in the past anyway. Adam was the only person who I believed because he believed me. I knew he did.

 

I touched his face and watched him cry, I watched his eyes close and lower lip end up between his teeth. My hand moved from his cheek to the back of his neck to rub the sweaty skin there. I said his name. He opened his unfocused eyes and tried to blink the tears away, only not succeeding. I said his name again, my voice now only barely a whisper. He looked at me and took a deep breath trying to desperately calm himself. It led to panicking.

  
"Rakas..." I said louder. I held his head between my hands and kissed his wet cheeks, tasting the saltiness of the tears. It was hard to breathe. My heart was pounding in my chest.

  
"Baby..." I heard Adam say in broken tone.

I held him tightly sniffing his own specific sweet scent, breathing in and out and melting in the moment, in him. He was feverishly hot on the neck and face, cold on the hands and fingers which made me shudder every time he brought them up on my chest in search of my rapidly beating heart. We stayed like that - squeezed in impossibly small ball - too scared to let go, too scared to face the reality around us. It was as foggy as a dream. We had only the present moment. Time was flowing. Clocks ticking. We were getting older by every second.

 

Time.

 

It was my biggest enemy.

 

 I sank my face in my lover's neck and cried silently at the incredible pain inside me, messing in my system and causing me to doubt the importance of existing. My soul was hurting. Again. I sighed. My arms were getting numb from holding Adam so tightly for so long but there was nothing to make me loosen the hold onto him. I was gripping onto the only thing that kept me alive at the moment. Adam's existence was like the air I was breathing - I took it for granted but living without was impossible. At five minutes, death becomes imminent. I wondered if I could last even that long.

 

 My stomach growled.

 

  
Adam pushed me away and stood up, leaving me alone in the middle of his large double bed, feeling lost and somewhat vulnerable. I tried to listen to his steps through the loudly ticking clock on the wall. I sent daggers at it. The same clock had interrupted many special moments in our lives and I had told Adam to throw it away. He had disagreed. Every time. I had once thrown it out by myself, straight to the rubbish bin but it had always found its way back on the wall. Somehow.

I huffed and got up, tiptoeing downstairs.

 

 The first thing I heard was water boiling. Adam was in the kitchen, facing away from me, possibly chopping something. I let my eyes wander and stop at his ass before continuing down to the long slightly parted legs. What a sight he was. And he was humming. Very quietly.

 

 I decided to wait and let him notice my presence.

 

The picture of him casually making food was a flashback from the past, from those days when the sun was shining either in the sky or inside me. I used to be so positive. Optimistic. 

 

  
"How long are you going to stand there?"

 

For a second I actually wondered if he was talking to someone else.

 

 _Who_  else? 

 

My mind suggested someone. I ignored it. 

  
I walked behind him and touched his lower back gently, ending up rubbing small soothing circles on the soft skin. It was automatic reaction. Like a reflex. 

  
"What are you making?"

  
He smiled faintly.

  
"You will know."

  
I wrapped my hands around his waist and pressed myself completely against him, sharing my body warmth in case he was feeling cold. We both were covered in sweat after all. He let out a sigh and continued the low melodic humming. I felt his skin vibrating under my touch. I felt safe and peaceful.

 

The demons in my head had fallen in silence.

 

For once. 

  
 "Adam..."

  
"Mm?"

  
"Why did you save the clock? The one in your bedroom."

  
I felt him taking my hand in his. I blinked my tired eyes open.

  
"Because we picked it together, Sauli..." he whispered.

  
"Because we fought on that day and made love afterwards."

  
I looked at him.

  
"Because I had just a had a nightmare and you couldn't find sleep because of its ticking - because we ended up having the most intense conversation about our relationship right after."

  
He smiled.

  
"Because the first time you said you hated it I realised how madly I am in love with you."

 

  
And that night for the first time in ages...

 

  
Adam cried happy tears.


End file.
